Edition HOChU.ua raises an extremely important topic for our readers -crisisfamily relationships through which, unfortunately, are many couples. To understand how to survive this difficult stage, we had several conversations with an expert on creating partnerships in marriage.
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Fedor Fomin – the creatorStudio developmentrelations Fedor Fomin, practicing consultant, author of a series of seminars and trainings on formation of strong , partner relationships in marriage. Fedor 10 years married, he and his wife brings up two children – 2.5 and 5.5 years.
Many couples under the influence of the daily stresses and scandals, decide once and for all to break up, to rid itself of heavy emotions. We asked Fedor about whether divorce could be a way out of this situation.
If the couple has a desire to divorce, can this impulse be the final point in their relationship?
Yes, of course it can. Moreover, if one of the partners has started to think about this or regularly does this, and maybe even threatens the second half with this, then the probability of severing relations is great. Why do people get divorced and what awaits them after that? How to avoid divorce and should it be done? Let’s look at this in more detail.
I just want to note that each pair has 100% chances of success – the only question here is how much knowledge we have, what motivation and what we really do in order to be happy. There are no two identical people on earth. We are different. Accordingly, if we are different, it means that there will be misunderstandings, disappointments, pain, difficulties, trials and many other things that can threaten our relations.
Therefore, as we have previously noted, creating a family, both partners have to burn all the bridges, throw the keys to the emergency exits, which are often left on in case something goes wrong, and take a final decision on , that they are forever together. After this decision, it’s easier to move on. If something does not work out, there are difficulties, differences in views, habits, opinions, we have a solution – “we are together and will fight to the end.”So, if there is such an understanding of the question – this is already 50% success.
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What are the benefits of divorce?
When it comes to divorce, most do not think about the consequences. About that, what brings divorce to the life of a man and a woman, except for a temporary removal of tension from the situation. But in fact the price of the issue is very high. And very often we are not ready to pay it, but as a rule, it’s too late.
Here it is important to understand that, however that may be, each of us will always strive to create a family – this desire is inherent in our nature. You will always dream and want your relationship to be interesting, strong and happy. Without lies, changes, pains and conflicts.
Because each of us has 2 key needs in life:
1. Need for proximity.
No one is born to be alone. Therefore, we need to have a number of people who are able to take some of the responsibility for our lives and are ready to support us at any time. And for us it is important that it was always available, that is, it was in the immediate vicinity. Is not it?
2. The need for recognition
For us it is important recognition of the correctness of our thoughts, actions and a common line, which we implemented. This means that both the man and the woman want to be the best – the number one man for someone in life.
Only family can close these needs – where there is a man, woman, child or children. When these needs are filled, our behavior and the perception of life change. This is the second key point on which I wanted to focus.
And one more thing. Do you want a few figures and facts about the divorce? For example, as for men: 65% of men are getting married again within the next 4 years after the divorce:
At the same time, some of them are convinced that the first wife was better.Another 15% get married between five and 10 years after the divorce.After the divorce, as a rule, without having the opportunity to speak out, men push their feelings deep into the subconscious, which causes:
– physical diseases;
– supermodel passion for alcohol – 33%;
– Decrease or total lack of interest in the work. Yes, as a rule, men are sure that after the divorce they will be able to finally realize themselves in the work, be more objective, but reality says otherwise. Sharply decreases not only interest to work, but income also falls – on average by 25% (for women by 40%). And this is only a few figures. In women, for example, a divorce causes chronic fatigue, a state of apathy and a lack of interest in life, sometimes inadequate behavior. Underestimates self-esteem, creates a sense of helplessness and hopelessness.
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That leaves a trail of divorce in a child’s life, it is generally a separate topic. For a child, a divorce is the complete destruction of that safe world for which a full family is for him, where there is a mother and father. When mum and dad find out the relationship and diverge, his safe world collapses, and he is no longer able to fully grow and develop.
He has a feeling of inferiority, shame and fear. A strong sense of guilt develops, as the reason for the divorce of parents is that children seek in themselves. Also, school performance is falling and the resistance to the trials of the outside world is weakening. And this is not only my personal conclusions from the practical work with couples, but also the results of many studies and experiments.
It is important to realize that painless break in relations does not happen. Divorce is always a pain, a disappointment and a wound in the life of each of the parties. And what we sometimes hear from TV screens or from acquaintances: “We broke up and remained friends” – believe me, it’s not true.
Today it is proved that the level of the impact of divorce on the psyche and the human body is greater than the destructive power of 73 points. For comparison, such events as imprisonment – 63 points, the death of a close member of the family – 63 points; even serious injury or disease – 53 points. Therefore, we all need to remember that the family is a unique platform that is best able to reveal and realize the potential of each person. To achieve peace in the soul and happiness.Of course, with the correct handling of this value. A divorce is not an option, but only an increase in difficulties. With full confidence I can say that with 99.9% of the problems from which we are trying to escape choosing a divorce, we will encounter new relationships. Only there – the pain, disappointment, fear of loneliness will be crushed even more.
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I believe that strong partnerships can be created in any environment. And the fact that “we are different, we do not hear each other, he does not want to change, it does nothing for me” and so on – all this will persecute us in every new relationship until we figure out why this is happening and what we need to change in itself, and what you need to be ready (s) to just accept the partner as it is. Friends, love and cherish each other. In fact, this is the most valuable thing that you have. And if today does not work, there is no mutual understanding, everything is complicated – do not rush to destroy and leave. Anyway, you will try to rebuild everything anew. But for the second time it will be an order of magnitude more difficult. Image source: depositphotos